Daughters of Patriarchy ~ Perfectionism

When love felt like something you had to earn, you may have become extraordinarily good at being good: kind, loyal, polite, and wise. Never dropping the ball, showing up for others, anticipating the needs of others, and over-functioning. There is a quiet belief under all of those things… “I must prove that I am acceptable, loved, or enough.”

Perfection is an attempt to prove one’s worthiness - through striving towards an ideal. The intellect is often employed to help achieve that ideal, and thus follows the denial of one’s body and their humanity. 

Perfectionist ideals can arise from: the human longing for belonging + family dynamics + culture + gender expectations + achievement culture + internalized power structures + perfectionistic adaption. 

Perfectionism has roots sinking and twisting down deep within patriarchy. To understand “patriarchy” let's briefly understand the concept of masculine and feminine.

Masculine & Feminine Energies

In the beginning, the earth was wild and untamed, inhabited by native and untamed creatures. Man kind worshiped the earth, calling her Mother. She was ruthless, chaotic, beautiful, and terrifying. As time went on, mankind grew frightened of her. Seeking to control her, they created a male god in the heavens to control her. They also developed their intellect… such as reading, writing, math, and other forms of logic in which to explain and understand her - sometimes to transcend her chaos and other times to control her. 

Some cultures refer to this split as Yin and Yang. Or Masculine and Feminine. Or Holy and Human. In this framework, I refer to the feminine as anything related to earth, nature, matter, and all things related to earth, matter, and the energy & emotion pulsing through her. I refer to the masculine as those things that can transcend her - logic, reason, understanding, and spirituality. An example of the masculine can be found within the monk on a hill who doesn’t need anything - he has transcended his need for food or pleasure and transcended his humanity. 

Both feminine and masculine energies have the capacity to live in harmony and respect with each other… like a man and woman dancing together. You are meant to embody both feminine and masculine energies. But you may have over-developed your masculine… the calm, intellectual, good, moral, and reasonable part of you.

Both feminine and masculine each have the capacity to become oppressive when out of this balance and dance. The masculine - in its most oppressive… becomes a power principle: Patriarchy. Within Patriarchy, the masculine principle is used to control the feminine. This can happen within society, but also within an individual.

Deveopment of Perfectionism in Patriarchy

Patriarchy divides concepts into black and white, good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable, heaven and hell. The striving towards good, towards righteousness, towards what is acceptable, towards spirituality and heaven itself… is what we know as “perfectionism.”

Perfectionism kills the chaotic, wild, untamed forces of the feminine - it stifles humanity. It denies intuition. It denies emotion. 

It reduces a rainbow to black and white. It reduces a woman from intuitive, instinctual, intuitive, wild, emotional, wise, and alive… to agreeableness, orderliness, conformity and to a standard that society has placed over her. She becomes a daughter of patriarchy. 

The Invitation

For those that have become daughters of patriarchy, the invitation is to begin to grieve what has died within you. To not rush through the process of grief, but to sit at the gravestone with your tears, your time, and you heart, weeping for the parts of you that have been killed.

Through the change of seasons and this attentiveness to the dead parts deep within… you may one day discover that your tears have watered a tiny seed of wild life within you. 🌱

How to Help Your Anxious Child

Did you know that these things can make your child’s anxiety worse? 

~ Reassuring them about the same thing over and over again

~ Helping them avoid things that cause anxiety 

Example: Not using the word “barf” because your child says it makes them feel sick when they hear it.

Example: Driving your child to school after they become afraid to ride the bus to school

~ Trying to teach them ways to get rid of anxiety

~ Trying to repeatedly rationalize with them and argue with the anxiety 

~ Adjusting your own life and schedule to help them feel not anxious

~ Ignoring your child’s anxiety as a way to practice “tough love”

I wish all parents of kids with anxiety knew this! It’s totally normal to try these things - especially when you feel desperate and nothing is working to help your child. 

What I help parents with though - is teaching them how to support their child in actually feeling anxiety. Not avoiding it. Learning how to be with hard feelings and make brave choices anyway. And then helping their child learn regulation skills to keep making those scary choices.

One way to do that when your child is anxious: Make a statement validating the fear AND also name your belief in your child.

Example: I know that the school bus sounds scary. And i know you can do it. 💙

It’s important that it's said with empathy - not in mockery and also not “tough love.” As “tough love” can be another way to actually increase the anxiety your child feels.

Then take a breath and move your body. Let your child feel your own regulated nervous system.

Keep in mind… everyone grows at the intersection of support and challenge. If a child is overly challenged, they may flood or shut down. But if a child is overly supported, they can become dependent and the anxiety can grow. 

SUPPORT: You can give support by using the above statement and also by  helping your child regulate through their big feelings.

Kids (and adults!) learn to regulate their emotions through an experience of being held by a regulated adult. Just like you may have rocked your child as a baby when they cried, and let them feel your heartbeat and sync up to your breath until they eventually stopped crying… your child may need you to metaphorically “rock” them now too. You can do this by breathing for the both of you when they become anxious, rocking your body to release trapped energy, shaking your hands, or sighing loudly. They can feel this energy release and feel that you are helping move the collective energy. 

In fact, when YOU  take a deep breath, move your body, or name your feelings… it can actually register in your child’s brain as though they are the one doing it. (Mirror neurons!) This is how you can energetically “rock” them… and help them regulate through big feelings.

You can do all of this without telling your child to take a breath or shake their hands or move their own body. (As you may already know, being told to take a deep breath or move your body or name your feelings… usually doesn’t feel good - for adults or kids.)

Remember the Purpose of Regulation: The purpose of regulation is not to calm down. Its not to get rid of the anxiety. The purpose of regulation - is to connect to self. To widen one’s tolerance to feel hard feelings - including anxiety. 

Your child can borrow your energy, learn to breath and regulate - all without being told what to do.

They can learn that when they face scary things - even if they feel - they are stronger than they realized. 

Special Cases:  There are of course many cases where there are considerations to take into account. For example, various types of neuro-divergence may require particular accommodations. Or children with intense anxieties or OCD may require professional support like therapy or parent coaching. Each child and family are unique and require empathy, understanding, and an accurate assessment of the challenge. This blog is meant to speak generically to parents raising kids with anxiety… but I always encourage parents to listen to their own intuition and modify things to fit you and your family.

Conscious Femininity Is Wild

“You’re too much….”

One of the most profound journeys that one can take in their own empowerment…. is to question the idea that they are ‘too much.’ 

Essentially, to work through the messages received throughout one’s lifetime. Messages like…

Be a good girl. (or boy)

Be quiet.

Be nice.

Check your anger.

Don’t cause problems.

Don’t fight.

Don’t overwhelm people with emotions.
Don’t overwhelm people with your needs.

Protect and control your sexuality. 

Don’t eat that.

Don’t say that.

Don’t wear that. 

Don’t cry.

Keep calm. 

Don’t be negative/grumpy/moody.

Control your appetite/desires.

Don’t love that person. 

Use your brain.

Don’t be difficult. (“You’re exhausting.”)

You’re “too much.”

Yet feminine energy IS Wild. Intuitive. Emotional. Flowing. Powerful. Healing. MUCH. When we cut ourselves off from the parts that are often labeled ‘too much’ - we ALSO cut ourselves off from power, healing, intuition, and…. from love. 

In a culture that over-values the masculine - logic, goal setting, seeing the big picture, objectivity, productivity, and rationality - we often judge and fear feminine energy. 

One of the most profound journeys I’ve taken in my own empowerment is learning to embody both my masculine AND feminine energy. If I’m honest, learning to embody my feminine was (and in some ways, still is) scarier! It means possible judgement, rejection, overwhelming others, offending other, and trusting my intuition instead of logic. I spent a lifetime attempting to ‘contain’ myself and ‘figure things out’ - and while it wasn’t exactly working, the thought of trying the opposite was, and is, terrifying. 

The task for many is to learn how to embody, embrace, and honor BOTH the masculine and feminine. Honoring your feminine… may begin with questioning the belief that you are ‘too much.